Week 5 This week didn’t just have winners and losers, it had straight-up statements. From dominant blowouts to historic near-sweeps, the gap between the top teams and the rest of the league is starting to look massive. If this week proved anything, it’s that some teams are hitting their stride… and others are getting left behind fast. Before we get into the matchup recaps, we have to hand out the weekly hardware.
New Weekly Category: WHIP
Goodyear Gila Monsters vs Dixon Cider
The last time the Goodyear Gila Monsters faced Dixon Cider was in the 2025 Semifinals, where Dixon escaped with an absolute nail-biter. Coming into this week’s matchup, you’d expect another clash between two heavyweights. But let’s call it what it was — a public execution.
Category by category, it doesn’t even look like a complete blowout at first glance. Dixon Cider was competitive across the board and hung around in most areas. But somehow, none of it actually mattered and Goodyear knew it as he didn't even have to break a sweat, cruising to an EASY 14–2 win like they were playing The Show on rookie mode.
Dixon Cider must’ve been too busy soaking up that Arizona sun. Out there hunting Gila Monsters in Phoenix when she should’ve been focused on the one that mattered, the one waiting in Goodyear. And by the time she realized what was happening, the matchup was already long gone. This loss had the rest of the league wondering if Dixon’s team got left at the airport with the luggage.
John's Super Team vs You Don't Know Bo
You’d think a 14–2 blowout would be the worst of the week, but not even close. We were this close to witnessing history as John’s Super Penis absolutely embarrassed the 2025 GM of the Year, You Don’t Know Bo, with a brutal 15.5–0.5 dismantling. We we're one steal away from a clean sweep
John’s Super Penis went insane on both sides of the ball, putting up ridiculous numbers and leading the league in nearly every hitting and pitching category this week. Pitching at least showed a pulse of competition from Bo, but hitting? Total domination.
This stopped being competitive after the first day of the week and started feeling like Bo accidentally set his lineup on autopilot and walked away. Every category looked like a mismatch, every stat tilting far left in Johnboys favor, something John's Super Penis is very used to, and there was never a moment where it felt remotely in doubt. When your opponent is one stat away from perfection, that’s not bad luck, that’s getting completely outclassed in every possible way. And somehow, this disaster keeps Bo firmly in the winless column — still searching for that first W while the rest of the league (except This Is Mizerable) laps him.
BB's Bold Team vs This is Mizerable
Holy shit, did anyone actually think This Is Mizerable was finally going to get their first win of the season?! If you did, you're retarded. At this point, Mizerable blowing a lead is as predictable as the sun coming up.
They held the lead the entire week against the second-place BB’s Bold Team… and somehow it still felt like it was never really theirs. BB didn’t panic and just sat back knowing Sunday would come around and the collapse would take care of itself. And right on cue, it did. The BTA Boys have seen this save movie last week, right Bramboozler?
At this point, it’s not even a choke — it’s a weekly routine. Mizerable builds just enough hope to make it interesting, then pulls the rug out in spectacular fashion. Leads don’t feel like advantages anymore, they feel like countdown timers. And until they prove otherwise, every close matchup is just another episode of “how are they going to lose this one?”
Mactown MacDaddies vs Gunnarrhea
Stupid Mactown MacDaddies finally decided to pick up some new pitching this week and surprise, surprise, look what happened. They dodged a nasty case of Gunnarrhea and took down the commish 9–7 to grab their first win of the season. It might sting, but credit where it’s due… they finally got on the board. Cheers fuckface
Those pitching pickups paid off immediately. MacDaddies rolled out a solid 3.78 ERA with 6 wins and 3 losses, while Gunnarrhea’s staff stayed painfully mid, 86 innings, just 3 wins to 8 losses, and a 4.50 ERA. And the struggles don’t stop there. Gunnarrhea’s offense continues to live at the bottom of the barrel, consistently putting up some of the worst hitting numbers in the league, especially when it comes to strikeouts, where they manage to lead the league every single week. Life is misery
At this point, Gunnarrhea feels like a weekly slump-buster for whoever’s on the schedule. Right now, there is no edge, no consistency, and definitely no fear factor, just a lineup that finds new ways to fall flat and a pitching staff that can’t hold anything together. When your opponent makes a couple waiver moves and instantly looks like a contender against you, that’s not bad timing… that’s a full-on identity crisis. But be warned, the league will fear the name Gunnarrhea soon!!!
Me So Heorny vs BTA Boyz
Me So Heorny stays undefeated with another easy rollover, taking down the BTA Boyz 12–4. They continue to dominate on both sides of the ball, putting up elite numbers across the board as they post a .300 AVG (league leading), 13 home runs, 52 runs, and 47 RBIs at the plate, paired with 72 innings pitched, a 3.13 ERA, 85 strikeouts, a .231 BAA, and a league-best 7 quality starts. Just an all-around powerhouse performance.
And somehow… all of that dominance was wasted on a BTA Boyz team that looks like it’s back in the good old days of forgetting to set a lineup. There was no resistance, no pushback, just 4 home runs, 30 runs, and 27 RBIs offensively, backed by Gunnarrhea pitching numbers: 74 IP, a lucky 6.66 ERA, 1.64 WHIP, 2 wins, 7 losses, and a .293 BAA.
At this point, BTA Boyz aren’t even making teams earn wins, they’re handing them out. When an undefeated squad rolls in and barely has to try, that’s not just a mismatch, that’s a free week. If this is the version of BTA we’re getting, the rest of the league might want to start circling those matchups