The Idiots Are Heating Up, Kinda

BTA Boyz... ARE WE FUCKING COOKIN OR WHAT?! That's now two weeks in a row without a loss, and this time the Boyz actually went out and got the fucking win, taking down You Don't Know Bo 8.5–7.5. I genuinely never thought I'd see the day. BTA came out throwing like their lives depended on it, piling up an absolutely ridiculous 95.1 IP and finishing with 78 Ks and 6 wins. And for once, the offense actually helped out too. A .269 AVG, 109 TB, 42 RBI and 35 walks was more than enough to put another dent in the résumé of our beloved 2025 GM of the Year. Maybe BTA doesn't actually want the first pick... hmmm

Bo... what happened to the offense? The pitching actually did its job! A 3.14 ERA, 1.079 WHIP, .211 BAA and 7 QS is a very solid week, and somehow you still found a way to lose to BTA. That's impressive, even for you homie. The bats completely disappeared when you needed them most, finishing with a brutal .208 AVG, only 94 TB, 25 RBI and 18 walks. This was supposed to be the beginning of Bo's desperate late-season playoff push, and instead the offense showed up looking like they had already booked their tee times for September. At this point I don't know what's more embarrassing: Bo losing to BTA, or Gunnarrhea knowing Bo has beaten them twice.

BB getting back into the win column after absolutely smacking around the Ice Man, John's Terrible Team, 11–5. Even though on paper this one really wasn't all that close, for most of the week BB was only hanging on by a thread. John's Terrible Team was keeping up with our 2 seed for most of the week but crumbled at the end. The crumble was mostly due to BB's offense beat John's ass basically everywhere, blasting 13 HR to John's 5, 42 RBI to 15, and 114 TB to 95. They also took walks 32–29, steals 4–3, AVG .221–.217, and somehow even struck out less, 69–75. John did manage to win runs 42–40, though, so congratulations on that one category. Hang the fucking banner.

John's continues being the coldest team in the league, which is honestly pretty impressive considering The BTA Boyz and You Don't Know Bo are still around. The funniest part is that John's pitching actually wasn't bad at all. The Ice Man put up a 3.03 ERA, 1.028 WHIP and .200 BAA, all better than BB's 3.63 ERA, 1.197 WHIP and .219 BAA. But apparently the pitching staff was the only group informed that there was a matchup this week. BB simply overwhelmed them everywhere else, throwing 74.1 innings with 58 Ks, 6 QS and 4 NS. So while John's pitchers were doing their best to keep this thing alive, the offense was busy putting up 5 homers and 15 fucking RBI for an entire week. Ice Man isn't just a nickname anymore. It's apparently the temperature of the bats.

Now THIS is what I'm fucking talking about! I'll probably be sleeping outside tonight, but whatever, it's worth it!! Gunnarrhea picked up a massive 10.5–5.5 win in one of the most back-and-forth matchups of the week, and the good guys absolutely clutched up when it mattered most. The offense scraped out runs 48–47, RBI 44–38, walks 37–32, and steals 3–2, while both teams finished with 13 HR. Then the pitching staff came in and slammed the door, throwing 74.1 innings with 72 Ks, 5 wins, 5 QS, a 3.51 ERA, 1.063 WHIP and .206 BAA. That's the kind of week Gunnarrhea desperately needed this late in the season. The 2025 defending champ officially caught that NAAASSSTTYY case of Gunnarrhea, baby!

Dixon Cider drops to 10-7, which still has her sitting comfortably in the 4 seed, so this loss isn't exactly setting off any alarms. But I know damn well she did not want to lose this matchup. And honestly, the hitting wasn't even bad. Dixon hit .286, finished with 143 TB, and matched Gunnarrhea with 13 HR. The problem was the pitching just couldn't keep up. Dixon managed only 51 Ks and 2 wins while finishing with a 4.11 ERA, 1.371 WHIP and .234 BAA. The pitching has been so shakey this year. It's either the best of the week or some of the worst. She may still have the 2025 championship ring and the better spot in the standings, but none of that matters inside these walls this week. Gunnarrhea owns the bragging rights in the house all week, baby!

Alright MacDaddies, y'all couldn't quite find a way to close out the win against the fake 3 seed, Me So Heorny, but anything other than a loss is alright at this point, especially when y'all weren't the favorites at all and fighting to keep that 8 seed. And it's about time the bats show up again. Mactown took runs 41–40, homers 10–9, RBI 41–34, walks 40–34, steals 5–2, AVG .273–.218, and TB 132–106. That's about as complete of an ass kicking offensively as you can hand somebody without actually winning the matchup. Unfortunately,and unsuprisingly, the pitching staff blew it AGAIN, for the 19th week in a row, and only managed 42.1 innings and 32 Ks, so the MacDaddies had to settle for an 8–8 tie.

Me So Heorny, if y'all woulda had those 3 home runs from Joshua Baez, this matchup would've been a wrap and y'all would've walked away with the win. But unfortunately, we couldn't get that claim in fast enough for you, no matter how much you put down. And no matter how good that pitching is, it can't completely make up for such shitty hitting. And the pitching was damn good: 61.1 IP, 55 Ks, 5 wins, 4 QS, 4 NS, a 2.79 ERA, 1.141 WHIP and .217 BAA. That staff basically dragged Me So Heorny to an 8–8 tie while the offense hit a disgusting .218 with only 106 TB and 34 RBI. For a team sitting in the 3 seed, needing your pitching staff to rescue you from Mactown isn't exactly helping beat those fake 3 seed allegations.

Goodyear Gila Monsters, what an absolute fucking close call. I didn't think you were going to survive this one, to be honest. I thought the luck was finally running out and we were about to witness an upset. But how silly am I? There's no way you'd lose to a dude that apparently has $502 to spend on Spencer Strider but doesn't want to spend money on a haircut and would rather just do it himself. You would never lose to a guy like that. And thank God the offense showed up, because the pitching sure as shit didn't. Gila hammered 16 HR, 44 R, 40 RBI and 127 TB, completely blowing Mizerable's 6 HR, 35 R, 27 RBI and 95 TB out of the water. The bats basically dragged this team across the finish line kicking and screaming.

This is Mizerable, I know this one hurts, and I bet that's why you were up till 10 AM boozing. The worst part is you actually pitched your ass off. Mizerable finished with a ridiculous 2.96 ERA, 1.104 WHIP and .187 BAA, while Gila was getting smacked around to the tune of a 4.33 ERA, 1.296 WHIP and .268 BAA. You even held the edge in wins 4–2. Unfortunately, the hitters didn't wanna hit no doinks today. And if you couldn't beat the Gila Monsters in the weekly matchup, you were definitely going to beat him in the auction for Joshua Baez. And you did not disappoint there. The matchup loss did bump you down in the standings below Gunnarrhea, which might honestly hurt worse than losing 8.5–7.5, but I think you've safely secured a playoff spot, so I wouldn't sweat it.